How to Manufacture Masculinity

Are you a man: masculine, male, and/or manly (some or all of the time)? Do you check the box that says “male” next to the word “gender” when you fill out your demographics? Do you, like the majority of people who answer yes to both of those questions, find that a penis has always been conspicuously attached to your body, which you just take for granted, for an indicator of your social gender, and as a generally awesome win in the birth lottery? Well, do I have a list of tips (double entendre intended) for you to keep that up (this perception of your gender — not an erection)!


1. Be Intellectually Dishonest With Yourself

The presentation of only two very rigid possibilities for gender expression is a super important aspect of any gender-indoctrination program. Being deprived of the right to choose the gender that feels most like your authentic self, from birth, is step one. Depriving yourself of any opportunity to exercise free will over how you convey your adult maleness to other people is a perfect step two. Not only that, it gives you the benefit of blaming everyone else for any harm caused by your knee-jerk displays of masculinity. If you hit or rape a woman, it’s because she made you do it; just like the ones you shout at when their skirts are too short or their shirts are too low, and the ones you talk right over whenever they disagree with you. If you molest a child or kill someone, it’s because your parents didn’t love you, and you just finally boiled over. If you bash someone you think is gay or trans*, and one of them reports it to police, it’s because they were sexually harassing you. You’re the real victim here.


2. Be Intellectually Lazy, Too

Since you’re already clearly victimized by non-consensual gendering and gender binarism (don’t Google either of those), and since it’s clearly everyone else’s fault, clearly you’re the only victim. Then you don’t have to think about how, if the way you (and all manly men) have been socialized to think about your gender, then clearly everyone else has been socialized the same way too. Thinking like that might make you stop and empathize with how women have been brainwashed to define their gender in negation to everything that defines your gender. And you’ve got more victim status to claim with all that time and energy! But if you avoid thinking about that at all, then any time a woman lashes out at you for being the same gender as the last person who punched her in the face, you can claim victim status again! It’s not your fault some other manly man did that to her, so why is she attacking you for it? You certainly don’t punch women in the face (even if you secretly or not-very-secretly think she probably had it coming), so she clearly just hates men. Problem solved! Manly men love fixing things! Amirite?


3. Laugh Carelessly About Male Stereotypes

This list is starting to get long and depressing. Time to brighten things up with a good pot-shot directed at any perceived failure of your gender (especially if that’s secretly you — no one will ever find out). Everybody knows you prove your masculinity with your chest hairs and ripped muscles, so the next time you’re in front of your friends, pick a guy around who doesn’t even have hair on his ass, and who is too small to push back, then speculate about how small his penis is while you shove him around. It’ll be a riot! If some guy you know about isn’t getting laid for any reason at all, call him a faggot. In fact, I’ll bet you got a head start on that while you were all still in primary school, so teach your sons and nephews to do it too, by calling these “faggots” out in front of them. If one of your buddies works cooperatively with his wife, girlfriend, or female co-workers, tell him he’s pussy-whipped. It’s hilarious because it’s making fun of women too! And nothing gets people roaring with laughter, quite like a good “tranny” joke. Especially one that’s actually about a drag queen. Amirite?


4. Arbitrarily Decide That Male Chauvinism Is Totally Legit

My final suggestion is to secure your false sense of masculinity as if it was real by developing a superiority complex about being a penis-bearer (actual or perceived). You’ll have already managed this by openly rejecting anything that is socially read as either feminine or emasculating. But it’s really important to also hold the conviction that patriarchy is natural (even though, in the entire history of Western civilization, we’ve actively worked against establishing any other social order), and that anyone who suggests otherwise is just trying to victimize men by taking away the social power they are naturally entitled to. You earn super bonus points for comparing this difference in gender politics to the Holocaust, or for denying that patriarchy is systemic (as evidenced by what a shitty deal you’ve gotten out of it as an individual). And any time someone tells you you’re wrong by pointing out, just for the sake of perspective, how much worse anyone else has it, change the subject back to something about penises (such as circumcision!) Because that issue is always way more important.

Source: Haifisch Geweint